Thought I’d Say Hi


Hi there, whoever is reading.

It’s been seven months since I have delved into this bloody pandemic that has driven me nuts. Probably this is happening to you too. Let’s raise our glass and cheers to our collective depression, people.

This pandemic has hit me hard mentally. In 2019 I thought I was finally all set to become a full time freelancer. It was a good year in almost all aspects. I thought, finally, after all the hardships and shitty stuff I had to deal with my entire life, although 2019 was not perfect, at least my life was progressing really well. I thought I finally got a grip on my life.

But oh well, what is life without challenges?

(A fucking good life I would say)

This year I’ve been losing motivation to write (except if it makes money – girl needs to eat and take care of the fam #sandwichgeneration). There are countless unfinished posts in my draft box waiting to be followed up. I have been trying to muster enough fuel in me to reignite everything, but still I failed.

So I thought I’d say hi and write you a note. At least as a start. Who knows tomorrow I’ll finally sit my ass down and finish my drafts one by one. Little by little, day by day.

Oh, I finally had my first session of psychotherapy yesterday. My anxiety has taken its toll on me and so does my past trauma. It gets a thousand times harder during this fucking pandemic not to lose my shit, but I realize if I leave this whole thing idle, I’d probably be drown into depression. I tried to keep everything light during my first (online) session because I still feel crying your eyes out in front of a stranger is super awkward and uncomfortable. My therapist said she could notice that I’ve been building a “body armor” way too thick all my life, that’s why doing this session was so hard for me.

Anyway, I am looking forward to my next sessions that will hopefully be done face to face, with social distancing of course, because I’m paranoid like that. And look what it has gotten me into.

Okay sweets, take care of yourself in the meantime. Seek help if you need to, and I hope you won’t be too late. I have been avoiding help from anyone throughout my life because the idea of getting help from people makes me sick. It makes me feel weak and inadequate, and to be frank, some of the closest people in my life thought it’s okay to throw shit at me and be an asshole because “Hey, she can always clean it up for us. You don’t even have to ask her how she feels. She’s gonna get it done. She’ll pick it up and move forward even if she’s so angry at us. She’ll be okay like she always is, lah.”

And they’re right. I got used to it.

But in the end, I know, human has its limit.

It took me a global pandemic to realize, all this time I’ve been crying for help inside and covering my tragedies with comedy (but again, who doesn’t?)

No more.

No more.

Picture source: healthyplace.com

43 comments

  1. It’s okay 😉 100% okay. Satu waktu nanti ketika ini berlalu, mba teppy pasti juga akan menjadi berkat banyak orang dgn bilang ‘it’s okay, gue udah pernah di posisi itu’. Aku ga pernah mengalami posisi anxiety, pernahnya depresi smp aku pikir solusi terbaik adh bercerai. Pelan2 aku pun mulai bersedia menoleh ke belakang ke smua luka-luka masa lalu n pukpuk diriku sendiri. Kondisiku skrg jauh lebih baik tp bukan berarti ga sesekali mongol tp ktika kambuh, aku bisa lbh tahu hrs bagaimana kaya ngadepin anak kecil mimisan aja

  2. *virtual hugs*

    Thank you for sharing, kak Teppy. Aku pun adalah orang yang always build a very thick wall terhadap orang lain, jadi tiap kepikiran mau ke psikolog – ngerasa mung fak akan terlalu bermanfaat karena aku nya sendiri gak bakal banyak cerita.

  3. thanks for share this note -and also little part of ur journey- with us.
    baby step is okay and you already took a big one.
    hope everything turns out great for you, kaktep.

    i enjoy reading your movie review, not to mention your tweet or IG’s caption.
    so, hang in there.

    • thank you so much, sweet slets (sorry I don’t know your real name). thank you for standing by, happy to hear that you enjoyed my content. stay healthy and well! HUGS!

  4. Glad you wrote again even tough this is a sad one. I’m working in the same field as you Tep and my office cut my salary up to 40% but i didn’t gave up. Until 3 month later, thank god one of my friend offering a roll at his new office. Just hang on Teppy good thing will come.

    PS : Try to read learn The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.

    • thank you so much for the encouragement, walley! i’m happy you got a new job! stay well, sane, and healthy. i will look up for the book! cheers.

  5. I read somewhere that the first step of overcoming the burden is by admitting and sharing. It is hard, because we need to put our ego aside. What you did here is bravery. You admit, you share, and eventually you make people realise that they are not alone. Bravo. Keep writing.

    • thank you so much, Mpal. I do feel better after I wrote this, like the burden got lifted a bit. thanks so much once again. will continue writing. HUGS!

  6. You are not alone kak, i have longed for your writing, though this is different from used to be, I’m glad. Apparently, about 3 years ago, something hitted me and i come across in the end of my life but I then found your blog and it helps me to move forward, just because a simple guyonan from your writing, it made my day, so please keep moving on, God is with you always

    • hi there, thank you so much for your kind words. and thank you for sharing your experience, i’m happy to hear that my writings could console you a bit. will do! sending love and hugs your way. thank youuu!

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