Teppy and Her Other Sides

Eat well, live well, and be merry!

The Book, Museum, and My Forbidden Feelings


Dua minggu lalu gue sempet main-main ke “The Museum of Forbidden Feelings” di Senopati. Ini bukan museum permanen, hanya pameran temporer yang diadakan dalam rangka peluncuran buku “The Book of Forbidden Feelings” karya ilustrator Indonesia, Lala Bohang. Nampaknya buku-buku yang bikin pendarahan di dalem kayak gini lagi laris-larisnya, yah. Sebagai pembaca masokis tentu saja gue ikutan beli bukunya dan jadi penasaran sama museumnya.

lala

Bukunya sendiri berisi ilustrasi, puisi, dan tulisan-tulisan pendek karya Lala *ikrib* Tipe buku yang enak dibaca sendirian sore-sore pas hujan sambil ngopi dengan alunan lagu-lagu akustik… sambil urek-urek tanah. πŸ˜†

happiness

Salah satu tulisan pendek di buku ini. Tulisan-tulisan yang too close to home. Nggak semuanya sih, tapi beberapa bisa gue relate.

Museumnya sendiri cuma buka dari tanggal 29 September – 10 Oktober 2016. Berhubung deket kosan, maka meluncurlah gue siang-siang ke sana.

dscf0357

Kalo nggak salah inget, ada 67 barang yang dipamerkan di sana yang mewakili “Forbidden Feeling” manusia. Ini nggak cuma perasaan yang berhubungan sama cinta, yah. It could be anything, walaupun yang paling senep emang selalu berhubungan sama cinta, hahaha… Ini beberapa favorit gue.

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Ternyata gue nggak sendirian.

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img_20160930_132553*dhuaaarrr*

My Forbidden Feelings

Sepulangnya dari sini, gue lanjut ngopi sendirian di deket situ. Kebetulan nggak berapa lama setelahnya turun hujan, mana lah playlist Spotify gue lagi cakep-cakepnya sehingga suasana sangat mendukung buat ngelamun. Terus gue jadi mikir, gue punya nggak ya barang-barang yang gue simpan yang mewakili “perasaan terlarang” gue? I don’t see myself as that kinda person, you know, who keeps things from the past. I’m more of a memory person, it all stays in my head.

Gimana dengan perasaannya sendiri? Ya ini sih udah pasti ada.

Jadilah sesorean itu gue nginget-nginget apakah ada barang yang gue simpan, atau ya… memori, perasaan, atau apa pun itu. And maybe I can reveal some.

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IniΒ boneka Hamtaro dari pacar pertama gue di jaman SMA. Kalau nggak salah sih ini kado ulang tahun gue di tahun 2003, jadi umurnya udah 13 taon ajeee. Kalau manusia, dia pasti udah kelas 2 SMP. Fuck, I’m old. Hahaha. Kenapa masih gue simpen? Sebenernya nggak ada alasan khusus sih, karena lucu aja… dan lumayan buat nambah-nambahin bantal di kamar kos. HAHAHA. *Sebenernya Teppy anaknya nggak berperasaan*Β Jadi gue itu kalau sayang sama orang bisa lamaaaaaa BANGET, tapi sekalinya batas toleransi/kesabaran/kecapehatian abis, ya abis juga perasaannya. Abis itu jadi datar lagi, makanya mau barang apa pun yang disimpen nggak akan ngaruh apa-apa.

Lanjut, ya?

img_20161004_095238

Ini majalah TIME yang gue beli di tahun 2008. Nggak tau kenapa masih gue simpen, mungkin karena headlinenya yang menarik. I figure it will come in handy once I need it. I love knowing that there’s actually science behind all this irrational mushy gushy feelings I used to feel. So yeah, I’ll keep this until I think I don’t need it.

What else?

I don’t really take or post photos of my “in-betweeners.” Ada sisi rendah diri dalam diri gue, atau sisi proteksi diri sedari awal yang bikin gue merasa nggak perlu foto bareng cowok-cowok yang dibilang temen bukan, pacar juga kayaknya nggak bakal jadian. Dari pada sakit hati lagi dan lagi karena ada “bukti tayang” waktu kami ngedate, gue lebih memilih menyimpan memori atau hal-hal lain tentang mereka.

Gue pernah menyimpan sebuah receipt dari salah satu tempat ngebir di Jakarta Selatan. Nggak ada yang spesial dari bon itu, tentu saja, hanya saja di baliknya ada tanda tangan dan tulisan tangan nama kami berdua *penting gila.* Bonnya cuma berisi dua pesanan, satu gelas bir pesanan gue dan satu gelas whiskey pesanannya. His favorite drink.

I’m not into Valentine’s Day or anything, tapi waktu itu udah lewat tengah malam dari tanggal 13 Februari. We had a really lovely date Β that night and he didn’t really want to take me home so early, so we ended up at that bar until it went past midnight. I took it as my first Valentine’s day date ever in my life, whatever it meant. Bon itu gue simpan berbulan-bulan di dalam dompet oranye gue, di slot dompet yang biasanya diisi orang-orang dengan foto. I was waiting for the right moment and reason to rip that thing off and throw it away… then I finally had one. So I ripped it off and threw it away. I’m only keeping the memory of him being one of my best dates. No photo or receipt needed to help me remember, not even the heartache.

There was also one moment I kept from my younger days, five years ago to be exact. Gue selalu mikir, nggak akan pernah ada momen yang sama dan rasa yang sama yang bisa keulang dua kali. Semua akan berbekas satu kali aja, makanya gue lumayan “histeris” kalau ada quote atau meme yang bisa menggambarkannya dengan persis. DAN TERNYATA ADA!

snuggle

Β THIS.

I always fancy snuggling on the couch while watching TV. We were watching The Big Bang Theory that night. It was his first time watching it. It surprised me that he never watched this series before so I told him to. Most of all because I was damn sure that he would get the joke and proved my point: that he’s smart and witty enough to understand it, hahaha. So he sat there on his couch, saw me standing near the dining room, and called me, “Come here.” I walked slowly and laid myself in his arms, snuggling like a spoiled cat, hahaha. We watched it religiously as he stroke my hair the entire time. After a few episodes, he whispered to my ear, “Sleep?” I shook my head, objected. “Okay, one more episode then, ya?” We finished another episode and went to sleep. It was hard to leave that couch and the moment that just went past. It felt so comfortable. Like home. If only I could freeze that moment. We remained friends until today by the way, only now he’s somebody else’s husband.

Lastly, the thought of marriage.Β 

Cukup dengan menghadiri pernikahan sahabat-sahabat gue yang pemberkatannya menyentuh, resepsinya super cantik, band kawinan bagus, dan video pernikahan yang bikin “awww,” niat pengen nikah pasti selalu muncul… HANYA KARENA ALASAN-ALASAN ITU. HAHAHA. CETEK ABIS. I mean, on that one day they all look so very happy. Everything is perfect. And the videooo! Goodness. Gue tuh selalu lemah sama video-video kawinan yang bagus, yang isinya banyak slow motion dan tatapan-tatapan penuh arti antara pasangan, serasa lagi ada di film-film, hahaha. TAPIII… setiap kali gue dikenalin atau mau dikenalin beneranΒ sama cowok yang mau dicomblangin sama gue, gue selalu nanya, orang ini nyari pacar apa nyari istri. Kalau niatnya nyari istri, atau ada target nikah dalam 1-2 tahun, secara mental gue pasti mundur teratur… atau gue memposisikan diri jadi temen aja.Β πŸ˜† Tapi ya gitu. Otak gue cuma berhenti di pesta pernikahannya aja. Minus bagian nabung untuk kawinnya, atau menjalani hidup setelahnya. It’s not the commitment that I fear, it’s the fear of losing my freedom. Seasik-asiknya pasangan gue nanti, tetep aja rasanya bebas waktu melajang sama bebas waktu udah bersuami pasti beda. Gimana kalau gue masih mau sekolah lagi? Dia mau nunggukah? Gimana kalau gue mau traveling sendirian berminggu-minggu atau berbulan-bulan? Would he be okay with it?Β Would I be okay if he does the same? Gimana kalau gue belum pengen punya anak, tapi dia mau? Can we meet in the middle? Dan lain-lain, dan lain-lain, dan lain-lain. Kadang kesepian karena jomblo, begitu ada yang deketin, guenya juga takut. Sampe gue mikir apa lebih baik sendiri aja dulu sampe nggak tau kapan. MAU LO APA SIH, TEP? πŸ˜† Sampe saat ini, cuma ada satu laki-laki di hidup gue yang bikin gue nggak takut sama konsep pernikahan ini. I don’t think I ever felt that sure of someone. But fate wasn’t on our side. So I’m back to square one. I’m afraid of marriage. HAHAHA.

Are these all forbidden enough?

If I should add more. I’m always body-conscious (although it doesn’t stop me from eating whatever I want, hahaha). I don’t wanna blame my ex for this but he successfully made me feel like I’m fat and unattractive all the time. All. the. time. Even when I was 12 kilos lighter and everyone thought I had a sickness or something. Until today I still think that I don’t deserve to be liked back (by the guys I like). Like, there’s no way I’m attractive enough for them, that’s why most of the time I always put myself as their close friend or even their bro first, until I’m sure I stand a chance. I’m so afraid of being heartbroken that once again it proves a point: I’m not attractive and there’s something wrong with me.Β 

Isn’t that the most fucked up self-perception? Believe me, it’s a constant mental battle. Most of the time I’m just faking it. That’s why I’m at most comfortable when I’m not attached with anybody. Lucky I have the best support system one could ever asked for, my friends, who keep me sane.

So there you go, people. My forbidden feelings. I hope there’ll be no museum needed. Its’s not a good thing to keep.

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10 comments on “The Book, Museum, and My Forbidden Feelings

  1. gegelin2
    October 13, 2016

    When you are so glowing trus masih ada yang bilang you’re not attractive enough – kurang azar. kzl. Lah elu yang cakepnya tiada tara dibilang gitu apa kabar gue, kak? πŸ˜†

    Ah gue juga kurang suka foto2 sama partner-saat-itu. Even walaupun udah setahun bareng2, nangis bareng ketawa bareng, entahlah kyanya ga pengen aja gitu merekam dia di memori hape. Nyimpen di memori otak aja udah serem cuy haha. Kalo forbidden thing dulu dikasih mawar artificial. Pas putus lgsg buang. Nyehehehehe :3

    • Teppy
      October 13, 2016

      terima kasih, Grace sayang! pelukpelukpeluk

      pertahanan diri & perasaan kita tinggi ya, hahahha

  2. Randy Satrya
    October 13, 2016

    Everybody have their own “forbidden-and-insecure area”. So dont worry too much about it. we are all have them. but thanks for sharing it with us! we love you as you are.

    but something is really common with girls and this body consciousness. i know many men like slender girl and all. and i know many girls prefer to be one. there is nothing wrong with that. but you must not forget that there are many of us who like chubby type of girls too. so dont feel bad about your weight. as long as you not too fat, which is unhealthy, you shouldn’t be feel unattractive.

    many of my girlfriend (and ex-girlfriends) think they are too fat. but i dated them because of their chubbiness. haha. and I used to say this to them :

    “cewe kurus emang enak dipandang, tapi cewe chubby itu enak dipeluk… ”

    PS : and i think you only need a long warm hug from the right guy to conquer all of your worry and fear… πŸ™‚

    • Teppy
      October 13, 2016

      thanks for this, Randy πŸ™‚

  3. Fitri
    October 14, 2016

    Sesungguhnya cetek-lo itu ga sendirian kak πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    Ku pun gitu kalo abis liat video video kawinan di ig πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    Romantis ya, cantik ya dekornya, make up nya, dress nya…
    Begitu mikirin the day after reception,… Ah sudahlah…

    That somehow ketakutan ketakuan akan relationships itu muncul karna untuk kita yang jomblo gini, kebanyakan dengerin curhatan yg udah nikah sih..and the sadness part is that we mostly only get a bad story behind of marriage life. And yet they will never share the good part of getting married with us. Mostly that i hear only : why my husband like this and that, or like “gila ya kakak ipar gueeeeee….” fufufufu, nasib jomblo di kantor di kelilingi bu ibu 😀

    And the part ketika lo kondangan atau lagi ngumpul sama mereka yg udah nikah, tapi masih pada gatel nanya “kapan nyusul nikah?” … 😢
    Rasanya pengen gue jambak πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    • Teppy
      October 14, 2016

      hahahaha, gila sama banget fitri! kebanyakan denger yang jelek-jelek jadi serem, keseringan ditanyain juga hahahahha

      semoga pas waktunya kita nanti semuanya akan baik-baik aja. amiiin.

  4. Lynn
    October 15, 2016

    too bad Museum of Forbidden Feeling ini cuma sampai jam 18-an gitu setiap harinya, tapi terima kasih karena sudah menghadirkan sebagian isinya di blog ini πŸ™‚

  5. Marini Saragih
    October 17, 2016

    Tepppyyyy… Aku baru baca postingan ini. Haha. Dan entah kenapa I feel safe for knowing your feeling (and thought) about marriage. Yah mungkin karena I feel the same thing. Haha. But above all Tep, marriage or not marriage, I know you’ll be happy. *xoxo*

    • Teppy
      October 17, 2016

      and you’ll be happy too, sayang! *peluk

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my bebe chanelling me: thinking of what to do this #Sunday. (actually, I have a lot of stuff to do, but zero will power 🀣🀣🀣) A #landmark so iconic it's worth romanticizing about. 😍

I hopped off my friend's car and snapped this #view right before we walked into the main complex. It was almost dark but I got some #sunset "leftover" which made it perfect, 'cause I always love purplish #sky. Not long after it went dark and the tower lit up. So I thought... why not chill for a bit, albeit turned out it was more like "chillin' in a chilly weather" 🀣

Oh, in case you ever wonder (like me) on how #iconic this tower can get, #Wikipedia even has its own #section called "Eiffel Tower in Popular Culture" that list down all the #films that have made Eiffel (named after engineer Gustave Eiffel whose #company designed and built the tower in 1887) part of their #scenes... from any kind of plots! 
#LiveAwesome #LiveMoreSociety #DBSxKartupos #travel #traveling #travelgram #instatravel #Paris #eiffel #eiffeltower #france #gustaveeiffel #visitfrance #visitparis #instagood #eurotrip #springtime #2013  @dbsbankid @kartuposinsta Sore-sore β˜•β˜•β˜•
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#coffeeshop #coffeetime #coffee #coffeeplace #cafeyouneed #coffeeshopcorner #coffeeshopoftheworld Had much needed girl talk with these babes today a.k.a rumpi 🀣 Yayers ❀ Hello πŸ™‹ 
#weekend #saturday Salah satu cara ekonomis dan super menyenangkan untuk menikmati #Penang adalah dengan "mural trailing" alias jalan kaki mencari mural-mural tersembunyi di berbagai bangunan di kota tua #Georgetown. Waktu itu #hostel gue menyediakan selebaran panduan yg berisi daftar mural dan lokasi-lokasinya. Berhubung kemampuan baca peta gue agak fatal ngaconya, jadinya makin seru, karena eh... kok tau-tau nemu mural ini dan itu, padahal lagi nyari mural lain. Clueless membawa berkah 🀣

Georgetown masuk dalam #UNESCO's World Heritage Site dan pada Georgetown Festival 2012 seorang seniman street art asal Lithuania bernama Ernest Zacharevic diminta untuk menggambar 8-9 mural di berbagai bangunan di sana. (Karyanya dia jg ada di Ipoh dan KL!). Beberapa mural di foto ini adalah karyanya Ernest. Dalam perkembangannya banyak juga seniman lain yang ikut bikin mural untuk kota tua ini. 
Nggak usah khawatir kalo traveling sendirian ke sini, mau foto tinggal minta tolong sesama turis lain yg lg nyari mural jg atau pake tripod sekalian! 🀣

PS. Selain muralnya, Penang jg terkenal dengan makanannya yg enak-enak dan #coffeeshop yang menjamur, daaaan kita bisa sepedaan juga di Georgetown. Guess I will always have reasons to go back to this place 😍

#LiveSmart #LiveWell #LiveAwesome #LiveMoreSociety #DBSxKartupos #travel #traveling #streetart #visitpenang #visitgeorgetown #visitmalaysia #malaysia #ernestzacharevic #mural #murals #instatravel #travelgram #instagood #graffiti @dbsbankid @kartuposinsta
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